


Nowhere to go (now)

by nofeartina



Series: Rearranged [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Even, Brief Jonas, Even takes care of Isak, Fist Fight, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Isak, Recreational drug and alcohol abuse, Sad!Isak, Self-Medication, Semi-Public Sex, Top Isak, rough blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:57:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: Things are good, it’s so fucking comfortable between them that Isak is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.





	Nowhere to go (now)

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I have to start off by saying that if you haven’t read part 1 and 2 of this series, this will NOT make sense to you. So go back and read those before starting this. :)
> 
> Second of all, a big thank you to my beta Mornmeril for all her hard work, it’s such a pleasure working with you babe!
> 
> Third of all, thank you to all of you who are reading and kudos’ing and commenting. You guys make my day, and make me so, so happy to be writing in this fandom. Just. Thank you! <3
> 
> Fourth of all, this part deals with bipolar and Isak’s background. And I want you all to remember that this is a work of fiction, and this is how I’ve chosen to narrate it. There are lots of different ways to have a MI, I completely understand that, and I’ve tried to be respectful about it in my writing. Furthermore, Isak has some unhealthy coping mechanisms for his problems. If you don’t like to read about these types of things, this is where you step away. :)
> 
> Fifth of all, more parts are coming, so keep that in mind while reading this. :)
> 
> Sixth of all, I hope you all enjoy!! :D

Isak loves this. Loves seeing Even under him, flushed, sweaty, moaning and sex-dazed. He’s so beautiful like this, it’s almost unreal. Isak can’t stop looking, can’t stop cataloguing every single movement Even is making, storing it deep inside somewhere for him to remember.

Even is so responsive. It’s so obvious that he loves this as much as Isak. Loves Isak’s dick, loves it inside of him. It does things to Isak to see Even being such a slut for his dick, he sometimes gets hard just thinking about Even begging for it. Like he has many times.

Isak is surrounded by Even’s long legs that keep getting in the way, but that somehow just adds to the experience. Isak is still trying to learn what to do with them while fucking Even. Right now, they’re resting on his shoulders, almost bending Even in half, and this position is clearly working for the both of them as Even is trembling under him, and his dick is pulsing with every rough thrust. Isak can feel his spine tingling, can feel heat pooling in his lower abdomen and he grits his teeth to keep going.

It’s a mission of his now. To get Even to come without touching his dick. He really wants to, and Even’s been so fucking close so many times, but has never really managed it. Isak wants to be the one to show him, to teach him, that it’s possible. He just has to wait it out, just has to find the right angle for it to happen. Just has to find a way to control his own orgasm, as he’s learned that it’s impossible for him to have the kind of stamina that he’s used to with Even writhing under him, making those _noises_. He’s just powerless against it.

Isak is looking at Even’s lips, looking at how he bites them, head thrown back, his long throat exposed. Isak wants to kiss him so bad, but he’s just found a good angle and his feet are steady on the bedspread so he’s putting all his force into the thrusts and Even seems like he’s really enjoying it. He’s muttering _Isak, Isak, fuck, fuck!_ And Isak almost gets off on that alone. How his name sounds falling from Even’s mouth like that.

In the end he can’t help it, he leans forward and catches Even’s lips and Even makes a strangled sound at how far his legs are being pushed up, so it’s basically his knees that’s resting on Isak’s shoulders. But Isak doesn’t let up, just enjoys how much further he can thrust into Even at this angle, and as Isak pushes into Even again Even starts to whine in his throat and lose complete focus on the kiss.

And seeing Even lose it like this sends zaps of electricity down Isak’s dick, pushes him so much closer and he knows that he’s fighting a losing battle now. He leans up, pushes one of Even’s legs off his shoulder so he can hold onto the headboard and then he just gives in to it, using the headboard as leverage.

Isak lives for this, lives for how good Even makes him feel, how his walls flutter around his dick, pulling him in, making him see stars.

His ears only hear the slick sounds of them moving against each other and the pretty sounds that Even is making and every point of contact between them tingles on his skin, pushes him closer and closer to the edge. He’s drilling into Even, harder and harder, until Even grabs his ass, kneads the flesh with his large hands, pulls him closer and that is the last straw for Isak.

He sees stars as he comes, as he unloads himself as far inside Even as he can possibly get and his entire body convulses on top of Even. He keeps going, much less coordinated than before, prolonging his orgasm, making every nerve in his body fire up.

He finally collapses on top of Even, and he’s panting and still kind of moving even though he’s close to overstimulation now, but he can never keep completely still when he’s inside of Even. He doesn’t have any strength left in his body by now though, just lies there uselessly, can feel Even’s erection poking at his stomach and Even’s whining, twirling his hips trying to get some friction on it. He sounds desperate and Isak can’t help but smile at that.

“You smug fucker,” Even says fondly, but then he surprises Isak by flipping them over, and Isak makes a distressed sound at his dick slipping out of Even. He stops when Even straddles him, puts a hand on his chest like he’s keeping him down, and starts stroking himself. He sets a rough pace on his dick, like he’s too desperate not to, and Isak feels himself flushing further, feels his dick twitch with interest in this new interesting side to Even.

Even is looking at Isak’s chest and arms, finding pleasure in how his body looks and Isak can’t help but groan at the hotness of it. Of Even getting off to how he looks. And then Even looks him in the eyes, looks surprised to notice Isak watching him. He leans forward and kisses Isak roughly, and Isak just lies there and lets him have control.

It’s not like him to relinquish control like this. He hasn’t done anything remotely like this in many years. And he can feel his thoughts slipping, can feel the dread trying to creep up on him thinking about what’s happened to him, so he pushes it from his mind aggressively, lifts his head to kiss Even back and puts his arms around him.

He immediately runs one hand down the knobs on Even’s spine all the way to his ass, where he doesn’t hesitate to push a couple of fingers inside Even’s still wet hole and Even moans loudly at that into Isak’s mouth. He bites at Isak’s lips and then gets back up, sits up straight, and with a few more strokes he comes all over Isak, marking Isak in rope after rope of cum. And Isak loves that, loves how Even has a kink of marking him with his cum.

Isak lets Even push the last globs of cum out of his dick, lets him sit there on his hips spent and panting. And then Isak runs his forefinger over the cum on his chest and puts it into his mouth, wanting to taste. And he moans as the flavour explodes over his tongue, he loves it, loves how the sight makes Even pant harder, makes his dick twitch in his hand. Isak loves the power he has over Even. That he’s so easily affected by what Isak does. So he does it again, constantly looking at Even. Constantly gauging his reaction. And he’s pleased when Even whines high in his throat and leans forward to kiss the taste of cum from his mouth.   

\--||--

Things are good, it’s so fucking comfortable between them that Isak is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s never been like this for Isak. He’s never had anybody just accept him for who he is. Unconditionally. It takes him some time to figure this out though. That he’s allowed to be himself. Completely. Without prejudice.

Even doesn’t seem to care when he talks about his courses or his interest in parallel universes or the science behind epigenetics. Even doesn’t mind when he comes home drunk and high and so fucking horny for his ass that he thinks he might die.

Even doesn’t mind that Isak is shit at cooking, although he’s trying to learn.

Isak can’t believe his luck. That he’s actually managed to find somebody who just seems to _fit_ with him so effortlessly like that. It’s too much.

It’s too perfect to be true, that’s what it is. So Isak waits for it to change. Waits for Even to realise that Isak isn’t really worth getting excited about.

It’s been a few months now. And he’s still waiting.

\--||--

Even is bustling around in the kitchen and Isak is sitting in the living room pretending to study. He really needs a break though and he’s starving, so he can’t help but pay extra attention to what Even is doing in the kitchen. The thing is, that the sounds he’s making don’t really fit with cooking. His curiosity wins out and he gets up and quietly goes to the kitchen.

What he sees there is something he hasn’t noticed before. The kitchen cabinet over the sink is open and Even is taking a pill out of a pill bottle. He quickly swallows it and flushes it down with some water.

“What are you doing?” Isak says. He’s never seen Even taking drugs before.

Even turns around immediately, smiling at him, not looking like he’s done anything wrong in any way.

“I’m just taking my meds,” he says, like that somehow explains it all.

Isak can feel his face do some kind of grimace, so he’s not surprised when Even elaborates.

“For my bipolar? I have to take medicine to not have an episode, or at least make it as light as possible when it happens.”

And that touches something in Isak. Seeing Even being so casual about it. Like it’s normal to do this. To take medication. To talk to Isak about it.

“Okay..?” Isak hesitates before he asks. “Does it help?”

Even tilts his head as he looks at him in that way that he does. Like he’s completely infatuated with Isak.

“It does. I mean, it’s not fun taking them. They make me feel a bit numb sometimes, and they take the edge off the highs, which sucks most of the time.”

He takes a few steps towards Isak, gets so close to him that he can put his hands on his waist, before he continues.

“But the alternative is way worse. I don’t get episodes that often, but when I did, they used to get really bad. It’s not like that anymore.”

He looks so relaxed talking about it. Isak’s skin is crawling and he can feel himself starting to sweat.

He kind of expects Even to start asking Isak about his mom and her medication. Or even if Isak’s ever considered taking any himself, with him being fucked up and all. And he can’t stand that kind of conversation. Nothing makes him run away faster than having to deal with his problems.

But Even does nothing of the sort. He just kisses Isak, like he does all the time, lets him go and goes back to the kitchen counter and begins sorting ingredients for their dinner.

Isak is left standing there by the doorway, feeling shell-shocked and like he’s in over his head. He’s silently freaking out, wants to be anywhere else but there, but then Even just casually asks him if he wants to help him make dinner, and Isak snaps out of it. He’s safe. He’s here. Even doesn’t want to push him for information he doesn’t want to give.

He’s still learning that.

\--||--

But that Saturday, at the next party at someone’s place, Isak finds himself sitting there surrounded by his friends with a bottle of vodka in one hand and the promise of weed later. Even is at the party somewhere too. He doesn’t drink or smoke weed, which Isak finds incredibly weird but respects nonetheless, so Even always seems to find somewhere else to be at the parties when Isak gets smashed.

Also, he doesn’t really seem to like his friends much. He’s never said why, though.

Isak looks at Anders, tries to keep up with the story he’s telling about some girl he hooked up with last night, but Isak’s mind is drifting. Keeps going back to that conversation in the kitchen a couple of days ago. How it was just so _natural_ to Even. He keeps getting stuck on that.

Sometimes it seems like he’s been fighting his mind forever, as long as he can remember, and then Even comes along and shows him that it doesn’t have to be a battle. At least not for him. And Isak is curious how he got to that point. Has it always been easy for him? Has he always known?

But he’s interrupted in his thoughts by Thomas who leans into him and says, “Aren’t you drinking tonight, Isak?”

Isak smiles at him and takes a swig of the vodka and Thomas claps him on the back. But it doesn’t taste as good and the burn going down doesn’t feel as promising as it usually does. Isak realises with a start that he doesn’t really feel like drinking. And that’s a first.

He panics a bit, can’t help being scared of what that means, how that will leave him. So he takes a couple of large swigs from the bottle anyway, just in case, but then he sets it on the table and gets up to leave.

He only takes a couple of steps before he’s stopped by Martin, who puts a hand on his chest to hold him there.

“Are you looking for your pretty toy?” he says and smiles that obnoxious smile at Isak that makes him want to rip his face off.

Isak pushes back at him, trying to get away, but Martin just leans in closer, “Relax, Golden Boy, I just saw him go upstairs.”

Isak _hates_ that nickname. He absolutely cannot stand it, but that only seems to make Martin more determined to use it every chance he gets. So Isak grits his teeth, pushes Martin away and leaves to find Even.

It takes a while, but he finally does. Isak is searching through the last bedroom he can find upstairs. It’s apparently the master bedroom and it has a balcony, and there Even is.

Isak goes out on the balcony, taking advantage of the fact that Even hasn’t noticed him yet, and he stands there and watches how the light dances over Even’s face. How ethereal it makes him look.

There’s that flutter in his stomach, the one that grows bigger and bigger every time he looks at Even like this. Every time he thinks about Even too much. He knows what it means. He just isn’t completely ready to acknowledge it. Not yet at least.

There’s a bonfire out in the garden and Even is looking at it. There’s people surrounding it, laughing and drinking, and it’s so bright that everything else around it looks dark, lost in the shadows.

Even is leaning on the railing with his elbows, his lower body completely hidden by the shadow from the railing. And Isak is struck by how much he wants Even. How easy he is for him all the goddamn time. It takes him by surprise just how visceral this feeling is, he just wants to get closer every time he sees him, every time he’s near him.   

Isak goes to him, puts his arms around him from behind and just holds Even close through his surprise. It’s such a kick to feel how fast he loses the tension and surprise in Isak’s arms when he realises who is holding him.

“Hey baby,” Isak whispers in his ear, trying to keep the illusion that they’re the only ones here, that nobody else can hear them, even though in reality they’re only 15 meters away from the bonfire and the people there.

Even leans back into him, puts his hand over one of Isak’s arms on his chest, and Isak doesn’t have to see him to know he’s smiling.

“Hey, where did you come from?” Even asks.

He doesn’t try to turn around, just stays there, and he feels so _good_ in Isak’s arms, so right. Isak buries his head in Even’s neck, breathes him in and just that, the fact that he’s in his arms, smelling like that, relaxed and perfect, makes the storm inside Isak rage even harder.

He can’t help but align his hips with Even’s, can’t help but rub up against his perfect bum a bit while placing wet kisses on the part of his neck he can reach.

He slides his free hand slowly down Even’s body and puts it on top of his clothed dick, just gently rubbing it with the palm of his hand, feeling him getting hard with his ministrations.

“Come on,” Isak says and takes a step back, urging Even to follow him and he does. He’s pulling them even further into the shadows, hiding them a little bit more from the rest of the world.

Even’s hips are already moving a bit, just grinding back into Isak’s dick which is hard and good to go. Just feeling Even heating up like that against him gets him every time.

“Do you think you can keep it down enough for no one to notice us?” Isak whispers into Even’s ear and he can feel Even shudder against him and his dick jumps under his hand.

He grabs onto Isak’s arm tighter and Isak can hear how he’s already starting to breathe harder. He leans his head back against Isak’s shoulder and nods. Isak flushes from head to toe, almost overwhelmed by how Even lets him live out his fantasies so easily.

Isak starts kissing down the column of his neck and opens up Even’s pants at the same time. He’s breathing hard himself when he finally pulls Even’s dick out, feels it throb in his hand, feeling so right there.

He lets go of Even, just so he can pull his own dick out while Even shimmies his pants down, and within seconds Isak has his arm back around Even, holding him tight against him while his dick is rubbing against Even’s crack. The heat and the softness of Even’s skin there forces a muttered _fuck!_ out of Isak and he can hear Even moan in response.

Isak starts stroking Even, making a circle with his hand to fuck Even with. It’s not as tight as Even likes, but Isak wants to tease him a bit, doesn’t really feel like rushing it too much. Even is making these small little _ah!ah!ah!_ sounds, like he’s really trying not to be too loud and that just gets to Isak, makes him so hot all over, that Even is trying to control himself like that.

Isak grinds against Even’s crack, leisurely pushing his dick against it and in one slow thrust the tip catches on Even’s rim and he moans way too loud for the circumstances.

“Shh,” Isak laughs against his shoulder, but it’s fond and his stomach flutters with something other than lust.

He feels, more than hears, Even laugh silently, before he whispers, “Sorry, sorry,” back. And Isak loves this so much, how it’s always fun and exciting to have sex with Even. Every goddamn time.  

But then Even grinds back against him again and Isak bites down gently on Even’s jacket, just to stop himself from groaning loudly. And it’s almost impossible for him to swallow down the sound, but he somehow manages. He can feel Even laugh quietly against him and he realises that Even’s teasing him. Turning this into a competition.

And Isak is the _master_ of competitions.

So he tightens his grip on Even’s dick, ups the ante a bit and lets go of Even again. He brings his hand to his mouth and quickly coats two fingers in spit, making sure that they’re dripping with it. He makes room between their bodies, just enough so there’s space for his hand and he doesn’t even try to tease, he just goes straight for Even’s pucker.

He circles it with his fingers, a promise of what’s to come, and enjoys the way Even groans at that. He gets his lips back on Even’s neck, takes back control and slips in the first finger. Even opens up for him immediately, already so turned on by what they’re doing, what Isak is offering him.

And Isak can’t help how he’s started to pant by now. So fucking turned on his dick is leaking precum, and he wishes he could be buried inside Even’s tight heat. But he pushes those thoughts aside and just starts slowly fucking Even with his finger.

“One more, Isak,” Even says in this throaty whisper that makes Isak’s skin tingle, while Even shifts his stance and spreads his legs a bit more.

Isak obliges immediately, hoping it’s still wet enough, that the spit hasn’t dried up completely. But if it has, he hears no complaint from Even who just takes it so beautifully.

He’s started to sweat now, Isak can feel it from where his lips are still resting on Even’s neck and he has to lick it off, has to taste it. He’s grinding his dick into his own hand between Even’s cheeks, coating it and Even’s cheeks with glistening trails of precum.

Isak speeds up his movements on both sides of Even, can feel how his hand on Even’s dick is starting to get wet from the precum oozing out of Even, can feel him trembling under him, can feel his dick hardening even further as he starts to twist his fingers, trying to touch as much of Even inside as he can.

“Shit, Isak,” Even moans and he’s getting way too loud but Isak can’t say that he minds. He loves the sounds that are pouring out of Even, loves how he’s fighting to stay quiet.

He can feel from the way that Even’s dick is pulsing in his hand that he’s getting close, and Isak loves it, starts stroking him faster to get him to lose it.

Even surprises him by putting his own hand over Isak’s on his dick, making him go even faster, he must be closer than Isak thought. Even puts his other hand over his mouth, trying to stop the litany of sounds coming from him, but Isak hates how it’s muffled, wants to hear him, is getting so close himself just from grinding into his beautiful, soft ass and touching him.

“Take your hand away, baby, I want to hear you when you come,” Isak pants out, and Even follows instructions so beautifully as he takes it away immediately, puts his hand on Isak’s hips instead, pulling him further into him, and Isak has to grit his teeth from how much closer he’s to coming from just hearing how Even sounds and feels against him.

He’s never tried anything like this before, has never been so affected by sounds and visuals as he is with Even. It seems that there’s nothing about this man that doesn’t turn him on.

Even tightens his grip on both Isak’s hip and the hand on his dick and Isak knows that he’s about to come, can feel how close he is and he gives over control of how hard and fast his hand is going on Even’s dick to Even completely, but starts fucking him harder and faster with his fingers.

Even makes the most beautiful noises as he comes. He tries to keep it down, Isak can physically feel how he shakes through holding them in, but some slip out and Isak lives for it. Every nerve in his body lights up at it, how he can make Even lose control like this, how he can make him sound and feel, and it’s almost enough to make him come as well.

Even shakes and whimpers through it, and Isak keeps stroking him, keeps trying to milk him of every drop, just to make it last longer, to keep hearing those sounds, until Even squeezes his hand gently, letting him know that he should stop, that Even’s had enough.

Even is standing there against him, panting, sweating, shivering and Isak wishes he could gently coax him down from his high, but he’s getting too desperate himself. He removes the hand from Even’s dick, wet from Even’s cum, and uses it to get himself off.

He’s still fucking into Even with his fingers, but it’s more gentle now, not so much for Even’s benefit as his own. He leans back enough that he can see. The sight of his fingers in Even’s ass is something that he will never get over. And Even knows, because he leans forward, putting his hands on the railing, giving Isak access, makes it easier for him to see.

And that is enough for Isak to come. He tries to be quiet as well, probably succeeds better at it than Even, but he’s still not exactly silent. But he doesn’t care, not when it feels so good, not when Even is standing there in front of him looking like every wet dream he’s ever had come true.

Isak lets go and enjoys the fall. He convulses through the orgasm, through the pleasure, ending with his head on Even’s back. He strokes himself the last few times, enjoys the slick sounds that makes, gets off even more on the thought that it’s their combined cum that’s helping to produce the sounds.

He keeps stroking himself until he’s completely spent, until his dick is slowly starting to soften in his hand, but he’s feeling too good to move. With every breath he’s inhaling Even’s calming scent and he absorbs his warmth through his skin. And somehow this feels better than anything. Better than being high and being drunk. Like maybe, this could be enough for him.

That thought makes him stand up again. Startles him enough that he just stands there, looking at Even, petrified, having realised just how much power Even holds over him. And that scares the shit out of him. He never wanted to relinquish any power over himself to anybody. Not ever again.

But then Even turns around and he’s laughing and smiling and he looks so steadfast, soft and unassuming that Isak feels himself wanting to just give into that. To just throw caution to the win and let himself go.

He’s so torn about it, so lost in this conflict within himself, that he just lets Even kiss him with his lips stretched in a smile, seemingly completely unaware of the battle going on inside of Isak. And he doesn’t fight him when he takes his hand and leads them into the bathroom to clean up. He even ends up helping him.

But he still feels shell-shocked as they walk home together afterwards, holding hands. Even seems so pleased and settled and Isak just feels like a mess.

Could this really be enough?   

\--||--

The Tuesday after this, Isak is on his way home from a lecture, completely lost in his head about his new assignment and how many pages of reading he has to do tonight. He’s feeling a little sad that he won’t be able to see Even, but he still hasn’t figured out how to study when he’s around. He’s too distracting.

And also, Isak is kind of avoiding Even. He’s freaking out, just a bit, over how dependent he’s getting on Even. How much trust he’s already placed in him, after just a few months. And he can feel himself pulling back a bit, just enough to get himself comfortable again. Enough for him to know that he still has some control.

He hears his phone ding, indicating a new message, but he’s been ignoring it all day. He’s still processing how he reacted at the party, how he hadn’t felt like drinking or smoking. And how it had felt like his friends had tried to pressure him into doing it anyway. He’s unsure what it means. In some ways, he feels like he’s been shaken up in general, his thoughts and his mind are all over the place, and he doesn’t like it.

He stops at the supermarket closest to campus on the way , wanting to get some milk for his dinner of cereal later. He’s going through the milks in the fridge trying to find one where the expirations date isn’t in a couple of days, when he hears somebody clear their throat behind him. He ignores it, sure that it’s not for him, but then somebody puts a hand on his shoulder and he shoots up and turns around.

“Hi, Isak, wow it’s been so long.”

And Isak is stunned, can’t believe his eyes. It _has_ been really long. But he lets himself be pulled into a hug, even returns it despite still feeling a bit dazed, and smiles back when they pull away from it.

“Jonas. How are you doing?”

“I’m good. I just moved out, and I live in an apartment just down the road.” He smiles and Isak still can’t believe it. He hasn’t seen Jonas, or even thought about him in so long that he can’t even remember.

“How are you?” Jonas asks, and it’s such a light question, something you always ask when you meet somebody you haven’t seen in a while. But Isak doesn’t really know how to answer. Not today, when he’s so full of doubts and thoughts about what he’s doing, how he’s handling things, that he’s at a complete loss.

“I’m…” he starts anyway, but doesn’t know how to continue, so he chooses to change the subject instead, “Did you move in alone or with a girlfriend or…?”

And Jonas grabs the bait immediately, doesn’t even bat an eyelid at how Isak is deflecting, and that somehow makes Isak sad. There was a time when Jonas would never have let him get away with a diversion like that. A time when Jonas knew him better than anyone.

But that was a long time ago. Isak has to remind himself of that, remind himself that this was his own choice. He’s just not sure whether it was the right choice.

They stand there talking for a few minutes before Jonas looks at his watch and immediately pulls an unhappy face.

“Shit, I’ve got to get to class.” He looks at Isak like he’s actually sorry he has to leave and Isak is suddenly hit with longing for his best friend. Of how it used to be.

“Would it be okay if I message you? I would really like to meet up and talk some more,” Jonas says casually, like it’s really no big deal. Like he’s so used to carrying his feelings on his sleeve. And it probably isn’t a big deal to him, Isak realises shakily.

He nods at Jonas, smiles back, and even waves as he turns to leave. And he’s happy to realise that he actually wouldn’t mind talking more with Jonas. That he wouldn’t mind having that kind of easy friendship back in his life again. If Jonas will let him.    

He finishes buying the milk and as he’s waiting for the tram he finally checks his phone.

The group chat is a mess of messages he hasn’t read, but he bypasses them completely when he sees that Jonas has sent him a message. He opens it and stares at it for a while longer than he can admit to himself.

 **Jonas** : _I wasn’t kidding. Let me know when you’re free so we can meet up! J_

And Isak can feel a new unfamiliar kind of warmth spread through him and he wants to answer right back, but before he does another ding indicates another message from the group chat. He closes Jonas’ window and switches there instead.

He distractedly scrolls through the latest messages of banter, stupid gifs and talk about where to party next weekend. Sometimes he feels so disconnected from his friends that he doesn’t know what to answer. He knows that they’re part of his problem, knows that they encourage his drinking, smoking and hooking up.

He’s never told them to stop encouraging him to do those things. But they’ve been a bit strange since he got together with Even. He can’t exactly put his finger on it, but something’s just been off. And the fact that Even doesn’t really like them, has even asked him point blank on more than one occasion to stay away from them without giving any further explanation, just adds to Isak’s confusion. He’s never seen Even be that adamant about anything before. He’s normally so accepting. Kind.

Isak is filled with another kind of longing. Suddenly can’t stand to be away from Even anymore. It’s been three days since he saw him last, and it feels like far too long.

His tram interrupts his thoughts as it pulls up to the stop. Isak stares at it, is torn between his duty and his want. He’s so indecisive that the tram pulls away before he’s decided anything. And that settles something in Isak, makes the decision for him. He takes the next tram instead that takes him to Even’s apartment. And he doesn’t want to, but he can feel his mind starting to call that home.

\--||--

That Friday Isak is at a party again. Surrounded by his friends. They’re talking around him, trying to include him in their conversation, but he’s just tired and feels disconnected from it all. He’s spent the entire week agonizing over his use of alcohol and weed, how he uses it as coping mechanisms. How he _knows_ that it’s not healthy and that he should find a way to stop. And that’s how he finds himself staring at Even.

Even is standing with his friends, smiling like the sun. Looking so cute and normal, and Isak knows that he’s part of the reason for this disconnect he’s feeling with his lifestyle at the moment.

Lately Even’s taking up more and more of his time, his thoughts, his life, and he’s slowly getting to realise that it might not be Even as such, it’s the fact that he’s realising that maybe, just maybe, he has some alternatives to the way he’s been living his life.

He watches as Even glances at him, and smiles that smile of his at him, the one that takes up all his face, and Isak is powerless against it. He smiles back, even though they are on the opposite sides of the room, the fact that Even seeks him out like that makes something ache inside him. Even makes a gesture to Isak, showing him that they’re going into another room and Isak just nods at him. He likes knowing where Even is at these things.

He feels the sofa dib next to him and he looks over to find Martin sitting down next to him.

“He’s really gorgeous,” he says and doesn’t look at Isak, just looks at the door Even just left through, but Isak still frowns at him nonetheless.

Isak’s unsure where this is going.

“And he makes the prettiest sounds too,” Martin continues, and finally diverts his eyes to look at Isak like it’s some kind of inside joke they have.

“What?” Isak asks, feeling anger bubbling up inside of him.

“Yeah, I heard you guys last weekend. Up on the balcony? I’m sure that’s why you did it, right? To let us all hear how pretty he sounds when he’s coming.”

He’s smiling and looking so goddamn smug, and Isak wants to slap him.

“Why the fuck are you listening to me and my boyfriend having sex?”

“Oh, it’s boyfriend now, is it?” and he rolls his eyes and smiles at Isak meanly. “Yeah, okay, let’s see how long that lasts, Golden Boy.”

And Isak is overwhelmed with how angry he’s getting. He’s never been close with Martin, but he’s never talked to him like that either.

Isak can’t stand sitting down next to him anymore, so he gets up, towers over him, and says, “What the fuck is going on with you? Why are you being like this?”

Martin stands up as well, not quite as tall as Isak, but almost, and they’re standing real close together.

“I’m so fucking tired of watching everybody fall all over you, always showering you with attention like you’re some kind of fucking prize. And you’re so fucking messed up, and so fucking exhausting to be around, all _my mom is sick and my dad left me, boohoo, look at me_ ,” and he’s making gestures like he’s drying his eyes and he’s all in Isak’s face.

Isak is _boiling_ and he takes a step closer to him with his fists and jaw clenched.

“And now you’ve landed some new piece of ass that we’re supposed to care about, when we all know you’ll get tired of him soon enough.” And he steps closer to Isak as well, so close that they’re nose to nose.

“I already told him, that I’ll be here waiting for him when you’re done. We’re just all waiting for our turns, it would be such a waste –“

He doesn’t get to finish that sentence. Isak’s had enough, can feel the anger exploding inside him, can feel every balled up emotion he’s ever felt bubble to the surface and before he knows it, he’s hit Martin with all he has, planting his fist on his cheek, right next to his nose. And he can feel the impact all through his arm, down to his chest, but it doesn’t hurt. Adrenalin is coursing through him and his fist has already impacted again with the side of Martin’s face.

He can see that Martin’s bleeding, but he doesn’t stop, keeps hitting him, keeps lashing out, follows him when he tries to step back, follows him when he falls over, until he’s sitting on top of him, punching his face.

Somebody pulls at him and tries to get him off, but they only succeed in holding back his hands, opening him up completely for the blow that Martin lands on his chest. He loses his breath with it, can feel his lungs constrict and he’s powerless against Martin turning them over, sitting on his chest instead.

He puts his hand on Isak’s throat, doesn’t stop his supply of air, just squeezes enough for him to feel that he could. And Isak is completely powerless, has stopped fighting back, is spending all his energy on clawing at the hands on his throat.

He’s lost in his mind in an instant, pulled back to a time where this happened to him in other circumstances. He’s pulling at Martin’s hands, trying to get him off, filled to the brim with panic, and it’s too much, he feels like he’s bursting at the seams, and he can see Martin lean down, and he knows he’s talking to him, but he can’t hear it, nothing is getting through, except the panic and how he can’t breathe.

Someone, some blessed soul, must pull Martin off him, because he can feel the hand loosen around his throat, can feel the pressure on his chest leave him, and he curls into himself, coughs and coughs, like he was being choked for real and he can feel a couple of tears run down his cheeks. Somebody helps him off the floor, and he’s grateful for it, can feel his legs wobble under him.

He’s looking around, confused, isn’t really sure what’s going on, feels so detached from everything. He focuses on the pain in his chest, in his throat, the way his mind is screaming at him to get away.

He doesn’t look back, just leaves, needs to get away with every fibre of his being. He can’t stand being there anymore, not when his skin is crawling and he’s still out of breath from panicking.

He manages to leave through the door that Even left through, and he stumbles across the room. He’s feeling frantic, like his body is too big for his skin. He can feel everything on him shift around, and he knows he’s breathing faster than he should. He needs to focus, needs to find a way to push through this. And through the crowd he sees Even. And without thinking about it, his feet start moving towards him.

He takes his hand, doesn’t stop to talk to him, or say anything to him, really, he just starts pulling him along after him. He needs to get them alone, needs Even.

Finally finding an empty room, he closes the door behind them and leans his forehead against it and lets himself breathe for a few seconds.

Even puts his hand on Isak’s shoulder and he sounds so concerned when he asks, “Is something wrong, Isak?”

But Isak just quickly turns around, silences him with a rough kiss, much rougher than he normally would, and Even fights it for a split-second before he gives into it. Isak pushes at him, makes him back up against the wall, making him hit a table on the way, but Isak doesn’t let up, just keeps pushing him.

When he finally has Even up against something, he scrambles with Even’s clothes, opens his belt and pulls his dick out, and he immediately feels less frantic as soon as he gets it in his hand. Something about the familiarity of it calms him and he eases the kiss up a bit.

Even uses the opportunity to pull back from Isak a little, and he looks so goddamn concerned and Isak hates it. He doesn’t want that from him, not right now. Isak knows that he’s shaking and if Even looks at him long enough he’s going to notice that too, so Isak just starts kissing down Even’s torso, just wants to silence himself on Even’s dick.

But Even seems to realise something’s wrong, he puts a hand on Isak’s head when he reaches his dick and says, “Isak, what’s going on?”

Isak looks up at him, but has to look away. He can’t stand seeing Even looking at him like that. Like he’s worth something, like he could mean something.

Isak doesn’t. He knows he’s worthless, has been told over and over again how he means nothing.

“Let me just do this,” he says, and puts the cherry on top by looking up at Even with big eyes and continues. “Please.”

And he knows how stunned that must make Even, because Isak doesn’t ever say please, and for a second he regrets it, is sure that it gives him away too much, makes it easy for Even to know that something is wrong.

But Even says _fuck_ and nods, like that really does it for him, and Isak wastes no time.

He puts his hand around Even, uses his tongue to make him wet, and it’s efficient and not that sexy, but Isak wants nothing else than to choke himself on Even’s dick. So he does. As soon as it’s wet enough, he swallows it down, much further than he normally would, just sinks down on it until his nose is tickled by the hair at the base of it.

He can’t breathe, can feel his throat fighting him, can feel tears spilling over, and it’s bliss. He’s in fucking heaven.

His eyes roll back in his head and he moans the best he can, and he can feel Even grab onto his hair. That immediately puts him back in his body, which is no good. His skin is still crawling and suddenly the tears spilling over isn’t so much from the dick in his throat as it is from the feelings that are too big to be inside of him.

He pulls back again, just to get some air inside his lungs and then he goes for it again, hoping he can reach that state of blissful forgetfulness again, and he can feel the snot running from his nose and the tears spill over even more, and his chest is constricting as he’s fighting the sobs that threaten to break out.

Even must sense that something is wrong, because his grip on his hair lets up, turns into a caress instead and he pushes at Isak’s head, pushes him away gently, but Isak can’t, he can’t. If he stops now he doesn’t know what he’ll do.

But Even doesn’t ease up, he just keeps pushing at him until Isak has no choice but let go. He leans back and as Even’s dick slowly slides out of his throat he notices that it’s not as hard as it was when he started. Which just makes him feel even worse.

As soon as Even’s dick is all the way out of his mouth Even squats down in front of him and says, “What’s going on, Isak?”

He puts his hands on Isak’s shoulders, and squeezes his fingers, letting Isak feel him there. And suddenly Isak can’t breathe, he falls back on his ass, hides his face in his arms as his body starts convulsing with sobs and he lets go. He cannot possibly hold it in any longer.

He expects Even to leave him, to just walk away from him now that he’s seen what a mess he can be.

But Even surprises him when he feels Even put his arms around him, and he holds onto him tight. Isak fights it, he doesn’t want Even’s pity or his comfort, but his arms around him like that feels so good. And he smells so nice. Like home.

Even isn’t letting go of him, just keeps his arms around him, letting Isak know that he’s there. It takes a few more seconds for Isak to stop fighting. And after that a few more seconds to start leaning into Even.

He’s losing it. He knows it. But he’s powerless against it, too wrapped up in his past and what just happened. Like that hand on his throat has become a catalyst for some kind of break down. He still feels disconnected in a way, like he’s numb even though he’s crying so hard.

He ends up almost sitting in Even’s lap, clinging to him as he lets the sobs overtake him.

And Even holds him through it all. Just takes it. Shushes him and whispers words of comfort into his ear. Lends him his warmth and his love.

Isak wishes there was a way for him to absorb that right through his skin. Wishes there was a way for that to heal him and pull him from this fresh hell he’s suddenly been thrust into.

Isak has stopped fighting. Just stays there and lets Even take care of him.

\--||--

He’s not sure how they get home, he just knows that when he wakes up the next morning he’s in Even’s bed. He lies there for a while. His eyes are open, but he’s not really sure that his body is there with him yet. He just lets himself breathe, lets himself remember, slowly, what happened to him yesterday. The fight. The breakdown. How careful Even had been with him.

And with that thought in mind he realises that Even isn’t next to him in the bed. Isak can probably count on one hand how often that has happened, especially when they came home from a party together.

Isak rolls over so he can slowly sit up. His entire body is hurting and as he lifts up his shirt he sees the beginning of a big bruise on his chest from where Martin hit him. He gently prods his throat, but it’s the sting of his knuckles that makes him flinch. They’re completely bruised, even look cracked open in several places. He must have really gotten some good punches in yesterday.

He gets up and gingerly walks the short way to the kitchen where he finds Even sitting at the kitchen table, reading. He doesn’t look up when Isak enters, and there’s a tension in the air that’s not normally there that Isak doesn’t really know how to handle. It makes him stay where he is, in the doorway to the kitchen. Just looking at Even, trying to figure out what to say to break the tense silence. Or to at least get him to talk to him.

Isak doesn’t know how long he just stands there. The tension keeps rising, and Isak knows that Even knows that he’s there, but he just keeps ignoring him, and it’s making Isak really nervous. Did he do something last night that he can’t remember? He can’t be completely sure, he never is, but he didn’t really drink that much and he hadn’t smoked at all, so he’s pretty sure that he would be able to remember if he said something to Even that he shouldn’t have.

Finally Even sighs and puts down the book. He stays there in his seat, doesn’t really look at Isak and Isak has to swallow down some of his nerves at how Even is acting towards him. He’s never seen Even like this before.

“Even, please say something,” he ends up saying, completely uncaring about how he’s asking. He just wants some kind of reaction from him.

That finally makes Even look up, look directly into his eyes for a few seconds before his gaze lingers on his throat, and then he looks down at the table again.

His voice is low, almost a whisper, as he says, “I don’t really know what to say to you.”

Somehow that almost pushes Isak over the edge, gets him real close to crying, and he hates himself for it. Really wants to be able to keep his cool through this conversation they’re apparently having, even if he would rather throw himself down an active volcano than have Even break up with him. Which he’s pretty sure is what’s happening right now.

The more he stands there the more he can feel how his body is still affected by what happened to him last night, he feels completely drained and he doesn’t really have the energy to keep standing up, so he takes the few steps to the chair opposite Even and sits down heavily in it.

Even looks up at him again, but he keeps looking at his throat instead of into his eyes.

“Who did that to you?” Even finally asks, breaking the silence.

Isak swallows, is unsure whether he should be honest with Even as he already seems to hate his friends, but he doesn’t really know how much Even _knows_ , and he doesn’t want to be caught in a lie right now. So he ends up telling the truth.

“I got into a fight with Martin.”

And with that admission Even finally looks up into his eyes. It’s brief but he seems to find what he’s looking for because his voice is kinder when he asks, “What happened last night, Isak?”

“I broke down,” Isak says helplessly. He doesn’t know how to reply to that question differently.

But Even doesn’t let him get away with that, “Why did you break down?”   

Isak shrugs, and he’s sure that the movement seems more careless than it’s supposed to, but he has to find some way to give him time to find the words.

“I guess I reacted badly to him trying to choke me,” he says, and it sounds uncertain almost like a question and he’s so fucking done with himself for not being able to explain it better to Even. Like he knows that this is his chance to make Even not leave him.

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” he says voice breaking, and this time it’s him not being able to keep up the eye contact.

But he can feel Even looking at him and he flinches when he hears Even’s voice, it’s hard and on the verge of anger, and it makes Isak unsure if he could change his mind, even if he really tried.

“Why the fuck are you sorry?”

“I’m sorry I broke down like that in front of you. I wasn’t being fair to you…” he says and wants to continue, but isn’t really sure what he wants to continue with. _Sorry I made you hold me through it? Sorry I’m so fucking weak that I can’t even handle a small fight with my friend? Sorry I tried to use your dick as a way to deal with it?_

So he doesn’t. He just stops talking, slumps in on himself, makes himself smaller. If this wasn’t Even he’d already be out of there. He’s not used to having to explain himself, and he realises that he’s never really had to find words for it before. But Even deserves it. Deserves some kind of explanation before he leaves him.

“Isak…” Even says, and leans over the table to take his hand in his. “Don’t be fucking sorry. I’m not mad at you, baby.”

And Isak can’t help stare first at the hand, and then at Even, confused by what Even is saying.

“You’re not breaking up with me?” Isak says helplessly and feels so fucking small and weak that his skin crawls with it.

Even scoffs and gets out of his chair long enough to put it in front of Isak and as he sits down on it again, much closer to Isak this time, he says, “Isak, I would never break up with you. Especially not for something like this that’s so clearly not your fault.”

He takes a deep breath and then says, “I’m just so glad that you decided to find me when you did. I’m so happy that you trusted me enough to show me.”

And for the first time that morning Isak feels the tension in his chest loosen a bit. “Yeah, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t there.”

Even looks completely serious as he says, “Yes, you do. You would deal with it as you normally do.”

Isak looks up at him again, and for the first time he starts to see that his way of coping might not be quite as okay with Even as he thought it was. But before he can ask Even about it, he continues on his own accord.

“I’m so fucking worried for you, Isak. I’m worried about how you’re dealing with this. Or not dealing I should say.”

Isak looks at him, surprised. “You’ve never said anything about it to me before.”

Even squirms on his chair, but says, “Well, you told me not to. But… Isak honestly, I'm so concerned for you. I'm afraid you'll end up hurting yourself in a way you can't fix. It isn't healthy to be addicted to weed and alcohol like you are.”

Isak is quick to defend himself against this statement. “I'm not addicted! It's not like I use every day.”

Even leans back in his chair and puts up his hands to get Isak to calm down.

“Okay, you're probably going to hate me for this. But I have to say it, baby: You absolutely are an addict.”

And Isak scoffs and is about to speak over Even but he continues unperturbed, “It doesn't matter that you only use once or twice a week, what's important is that you can't function without it, and that’s like the textbook definition of an addict.”

He looks so earnest while he’s saying this, and he’s not aggressive about it at all, but he’s still making Isak’s skin crawl and he can feel himself starting to sweat a bit. Every fibre in his being is imploring him to leave, to just get the hell out of there to avoid having this conversation.

And even though Even must surely see his reaction to his words he still continues, “Obviously I'll support you in whatever you do, however you choose to deal with this, because I care for you so much. But I don't want you to think that I like you doing this. That I actually condone you using this as a coping mechanism instead of dealing with your problems.”

“You think I’m not dealing with my problems?” Isak asks incredulously, sometimes it feels like he does nothing but that.

But Even smiles at him gently, like he’s afraid to scare him off.

“No, Isak. No, I really don’t. I think you hide behind your addiction and let it take over every time you feel like you can’t cope anymore.”

And Isak knows it’s true. He can feel it in the way his entire body is reacting to Even’s words that he’s right. But he can’t just accept it. He doesn’t really see himself as an addict, although what Even is saying _feels_ true.

“So you want me to take medication like you?” he says, and knows it sounds meaner than it should.

But Even just smiles at him again, like he knows that him getting mad is another defence mechanism. And he probably does, Isak realises with a start. He’s probably known for a while, maybe that’s why he’s always smiling at Isak. Is he really that transparent?

“I'm not a psychiatrist, but probably not. You just need to find a way to deal with what happened to you and find other ways of coping with it.”

There’s a pause where neither of them say anything. But finally Isak glances at Even and says, “I don't want to talk to a therapist.”

Even looks at him in surprise, tugs on one of Isak’s curls and says, ”Well, you don't have to, there's plenty of people who do it alone. But there's also plenty of people who find it really helps them to talk about it and get some coping mechanisms that aren't as unhealthy as the ones you're using now.”

There’s a long pause between them. Isak is lost in his head, with this new information, in knowing that Even is scared for him, and he’s trying to figure out what that really means to him.

But before Isak can clear his head enough for him to think of something to say to break the silence, Even says, “I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always listen if you decide to talk. And I don’t care if you talk to me, or a therapist or some stranger. I just want you to know, that it doesn’t have to be like this Isak. You don’t have to be addicted and you don’t have to deal with this or whatever’s going on in that head of yours alone.”

And then he leans in and hugs Isak. Buries his head in Isak’s throat and Isak tentatively hugs him back. It’s almost too much. This. What Even is asking of him. But he also knows, _feels_ , that it’s right.

Maybe it’s time for him to change the way he’s living his life.

\--||--

Isak is expecting to be left alone. He’s completely ignored his phone, put it on silent mode and just left it. He just couldn’t handle the aftermath of what happened Saturday with Martin. And how he hadn’t felt like drinking and smoking. And how he’d just disappeared without telling anyone, Even having sneaked him out of the back door before bringing him home, because he’d understood that Isak wouldn’t want anybody to see him like that.

He doesn’t quite know what to expect. He’s not really sure what side they’re on, if they’re even taking sides. He’s never been good at having friends, has a really hard time letting them in, and even after knowing them for some time, he’s still not completely sure where they stand.

The ones he has now, they don’t meet up much after classes, although they have some of them together. Anders and Thomas are even studying biology with him, but he’s never been interested in their offers of studying together, has always felt like he can do better on his own. They are mostly just friends he hangs out with at uni and goes to parties with.

What it comes down to is that Isak doesn’t really know them well enough for him to know how they’re going to react. And he’s somewhat scared to find out. They’re the only people he calls friends. There’s nobody else left.

So when he gets to campus Monday morning and sees Thomas and Anders standing outside the Science building Isak can’t help but hesitate for a few seconds before going over to them. He can feel his heart race from nerves and he almost wishes he had checked his phone, just to get an idea of what to expect.

When they notice him, they pull him in.

“Are you alright, Isak?” they ask in unison, along with a plethora of other questions of the same sort, and they’re coming so rapidly that he can’t really get an answer in.  

Anders tilts his head to check on the damage on his throat and Isak is stunned into letting him. Anders makes an angry sound at what he sees, at the bruises on Isak’s neck, and he’s shaking his head.

“Martin can be such a jerk sometimes,” he says and lets go of Isak’s neck and Isak immediately takes a step back to keep him from putting his hands on him again.

“Yeah, I can’t believe he did that to you,” Thomas says.

They both look so scandalized and Isak doesn’t really know what to do with the support he’s getting from them, he’s honestly surprised by it.

“Have you heard from him?” Anders says and Isak shrugs.

“I haven’t really checked my phone,” he says and they both nod at that. They must have noticed that as well.

“He has some explaining to do,” Anders continues.

But Isak just shrugs again, he’s not sure he’s ever going to be comfortable with Martin again, it doesn’t really matter what he has to say.

They leave it at that, obviously sensing Isak’s discomfort with the subject, and Thomas starts talking about the party instead, about who hooked up with who and what Isak missed. Isak is grateful for how fast they drop the whole thing, and just follows them inside to the lecture hall in silence.

\--||--

Later that night Isak and Even lie together on the bed, snuggled up to each other. The movie they’ve been watching on Even’s laptop is finished, but it doesn’t really seem like they’re in a hurry to put on another, or really do anything else but just keep lying there.

It’s quiet between them, but it’s comfortable, and Isak is loving this bubble they’re lying in, like they’re the only two people on the planet. And he feels so safe here, so comfortable, that he doesn’t even think twice before he’s asking, “So, have you ever been with another boy before me?”

Even doesn’t tense under him, just laughs lowly and tugs on his hair a bit.

“No, I told you I was with Sonja for 6 years. I’m not that old you know..?”

And Isak loves this, loves how Even doesn’t mind him asking questions. He wishes it would be as easy the other way around.

“No, but it must have been some time ago that you guys broke up?”

He can feel Even shrug under him as he says, “Yeah, we broke up almost half a year ago. It wasn’t like a bad breakup, we’re still friends. Besides, I started chasing you right after so…”

Isak tilts his head a bit so he can look at Even. “So you’ve never been with a guy before me?”

Even just laughs under him. “No. I never cheated on Sonja.”

And Isak feels really weird knowing that. Like he wishes he had known somehow, that if Even had told him from the start he would have treated him differently. How many of his firsts has he taken unknowingly?

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just wanted to be with you.” Even seems completely unfazed by giving this answer, except for the slight blush on his cheekbones. And he leans over to kiss him, and Isak lets Even without really giving in to it.

“You make it seem like it was a big deal. Isak, it really wasn’t. I get that you think it was different because you’re a boy, but most of the things we’ve done together I’ve already done with Sonja. Except when you fucked me. And I did tell you when we did that.” He smiles and Isak hears what he’s saying but he still feels like Even’s missing the point.

“I just really wish I’d known,” he says, not to be petulant but because he still feels like he somehow robbed Even of something by not knowing.

They’re quiet for some time before Isak thinks of the next question.

“If you’ve been with Sonja all this time, when did you even come out?”

“I guess I’ve just always known, you know? I think I was 12 when I told my parents that I wasn’t sure if I was going to marry a boy or a girl.”

And no. Isak doesn’t know.

“How did they take that?” he asks, almost afraid of the answer, afraid that Even’s process was as hard as his.

“Well, they weren’t really surprised, I guess.” And he laughs a small fond laugh, like it’s somehow a good memory for him. Isak can’t really relate.

“What about you?” Even asks in a low voice, like he’s almost scared to ask.

And what is Isak supposed to say to that?

“Well…” Isak starts and tries to make the seconds longer so he can maybe avoid answering. But his time of not answering Even’s questions is over. He wants him to know him. With most of what that entails. So he tries to be truthful.

“It wasn’t really that easy for me. I kind of just texted them.”

And Even laughs at that, like it’s some kind of joke, but his laugh tapers off as he realises that Isak isn’t joking.

“And how did they take that?”

Isak shrugs like this isn’t a completely horrifying thing for him to talk about.

“At first they seemed okay. But it’s never been…. easy between us.”

He looks up at Even, has to see how he’s reacting to this. But Even’s just looking at him with no real expression except interest. And that makes Isak want to curl up somewhere and hide.

“And later?” Even presses and Isak gives in to it. Gives him the answer he wants.

“And later… they didn’t seem as okay. And now, now I don’t really talk to them anymore.” He nuzzles down into Even’s arm and, feeling brave, he continues. “But that’s not just because of this, there’s plenty of other things that made not speaking to them a better option.”

“Like your mom being mentally ill?”

“Yeah. Like that. And like the fact that my dad didn’t really handle that well and left me to deal with her.”

And he simultaneously wishes that Even would keep pushing, but at the same time, he can’t stand talking about it. Because that period was one of the worst in his life. His relationship with his parents and how they reacted to him coming out made him do some stupid things, make some wrong choices. And plenty of those choices are things that he regrets doing even to this day.

Like stepping away from his friends, feeling so alone that he could feel the weight of the entire universe on his shoulders. Like the choices he made with men. He didn’t really handle the coming out part that well if he’s honest.

Even seems to sense his unease, and being him, chooses to go down another path with the conversation.

“You mentioned once that you had been in a relationship before me?” he asks, and Isak has to take a deep breath before he can continue.

Unknown to Even, this is something that upsets Isak as well, but he pushes through. Wants to give Even some real answers.

“Yeah, a long time ago,” he says, nuzzles deeper into Even’s shoulder and arm, avoiding all eye contact with him. “It wasn’t like this, though.”

He can feel Even tighten his grip on him, and he’s unbelievably happy for it. He needs to be tethered in some way if he’s to talk about this.

“What was it like then?”

“I don’t know. I guess, I was so ready to come out, to be with a boy for once and not feel so… fake all the time, that I hooked up with the first one to cross my path.”

Isak takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before he continues, “Long story short, I was way more into him than he was into me.”

Long story _very_ much shorter.

But he hopes that Even will stop there. He already feels like his feelings are crawling outside his skin, and he can’t stand talking about these things anymore. He doesn’t want to tell him about how hard those months were, where he was completely gone, filled to the brim with longing and just waiting for someone he could give in to. And then _he_ came along. Andreas. And Isak had thought that that was it for him. He was perfect in many ways, and he took so many of Isak’s firsts. Too many. Including some that Isak wasn’t ready for. He knows that now, but at the time he just wanted to be with him.

Andreas never acknowledged Isak. Clearly knew how invested Isak was in him, and somehow he took pleasure from that. From keeping Isak on a leash, close by, always ready. But he never held his hand in public or called him boyfriend. Or any of the things that Even does without giving it much thought.

So Isak learned that he was something to be ashamed of. And that his feelings didn’t really matter much.

In the end, after a really bad night where he pushed Isak too far, made him do too much, Isak finally realised that he didn’t really care about him. And what a hard way to learn that lesson. When Isak confronted him about it, finally wanted him to realise how much he was hurting him, Andreas dropped Isak like he was nothing. Just stopped. No contact, no showing up at his school, no texts. Just nothing.

And even though Isak knew that he should stop caring, knew that Andreas was bad news and no good for him, he couldn’t stop himself. He was too invested. And it took him a long time to move on from feeling like that. A long time, plenty of booze and drugs and boys. A lot of boys. Who never stayed, never wanted more from him than the pleasure his body could give them.

So Isak learned the hard way that he’s not really worth caring for. Has nothing to offer but his body.

Nobody has ever seemed to want more from him. Except Even.

Thankfully, Even seems to sense his mood, seems to sense that Isak is done talking for now, so he turns them over, puts himself on top of Isak and kisses him.

“I can’t imagine anybody not being into you,” he says, and Isak knows it should be cute, but he’s still feeling raw and his skin is still crawling, so instead of smiling, like Even is probably expecting him to do, he lifts his head and kisses Even.

Isak deepens it immediately, pushes his tongue inside Even’s mouth and spreads his legs. Anything to make Even stop talking. He can’t handle it anymore now.

But Even pulls away gently. “Isak, baby,” he sighs and strokes his hair away from his face.

Isak can feel tears spring to his eyes and he hates himself for it. For becoming so weak, for feeling like crying all the time, for being so unused to affection that he doesn’t know how to handle it.

“Kiss me,” Isak says and wets his lips. He ups the ante by hitching his legs up even higher around Even’s hips, opening himself up more.

But Even isn’t deterred, he starts placing small soothing kisses along his jaw, keeps his hand in his hair, stroking it, and he’s so gentle with Isak it almost feels like he thinks that Isak’s made of porcelain.

“Let me show you, baby,” Even breathes into his ear. “Let me show you how much you’re worth to me.”

Isak knows that Even is trying his best. He closes his eyes as the first tears start to fall and he knows he’s shaking.

“I don’t…” he whispers, but he doesn’t keep talking, doesn’t know what to say. He’s just not ready for this kind of affection.

“Shh, baby, don’t cry,” Even says and wipes his tears away with his thumb.

Isak shakes his head, without really knowing what he’s saying no to. _Stop caring about me? Stop being gentle with me? Stop acting like this?_

But Even just puts his arms around him, pulls him in real tight, ignores how sexual their position is. And he lets Isak cry.

This time it’s not sobs, it’s silent tears just streaming down his face. He hides in the junction between Even’s neck and shoulder, lets Even’s hoodie absorb it all. And for the first time in a really long time he lets himself feel it. Lets himself feel the hurt and the betrayal and how wounded he actually is. Like it’s been too long since he was whole.

Having Even’s arms around him while he falls to pieces is like balm to the soul. It feels right, he feels warm and protected, like Even would never treat him badly, would never let anything bad happen to him.

And he can’t believe he gets to have this, that this is his. It still feels too good to be true.

But he’s slowly realising, that while he’s not really worth much, he’s at least worth something to Even.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m currently working on Part 4, so hopefully it won’t be too long before it’s up. 
> 
> Thank you so much again to all of you who follow this series, you guys rock! And as always, kudos and comments make my day (not even kidding a little… ;))
> 
> I am [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr (the fic post is [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/164855796254/nowhere-to-go-now-nofeartina-skam-tv)) and I’m always up to talk about Skam and Evak, come play! :)


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